A Comprehensive Guide To Identifying Your Ideological Enemies
The Pitfalls and Perils of Dissent
Even though most sensible people (read: you, me, and anyone who shares our exact views) have reached a consensus on all the essential things—like the correct way to mix a martini and the proper number of syllables in the word “mischievous”—there remains a curious and troubling minority. These dissenters, who persist in disagreeing with us on various topics, have but two possible identities: they are either communists or fascists.
It’s simple. When you encounter someone who questions your views, you must first assess the nature of their disagreement.
Let’s say you’re having a perfectly reasonable conversation about the benefits of free markets or the superiority of individual liberty. Suddenly, some misguided soul pipes up, suggesting that perhaps unbridled capitalism might not be the panacea we all know it to be. In hushed tones, they mention something about “income inequality” or, heaven forbid, “social welfare.”
Well, there you have it: a communist. Not one of those red-beret-wearing types from the old propaganda posters, but an actual, modern-day, cardigan-wearing, artisanal coffee-drinking communist. The sort who might not even realize they’re a communist, which makes them even more dangerous. They cloak their insidious ideas in soft-spoken reasonableness and call for things like “healthcare” and “education.” But we all know what this means: they’re coming for your hard-earned wealth, private property, guns, and trucks. Next, they’ll suggest that everyone deserves a decent wage.
In such cases, your course of action is clear. Accuse them, loudly and publicly, of wanting to turn the world into a Stalinist hellscape. Don’t let them distract you with their talk of “nuance” or “balance.” Remember, they’re just trying to soften you up before they nationalize health care and assign you to a Maoist re-education camp. Respond with slogans—"freedom isn’t free" is always a good start—and, if necessary, mention the breadlines at Cuban supermarkets. If they persist, a quick reminder of the Gulags should shut them down.
On the other hand, should you find yourself in a debate with someone a little too enthusiastic about the virtues of law and order, who suggests that perhaps a strong leader isn’t the worst idea, you’ve encountered the other breed of dissenter: a fascist. This personality type is particularly fond of uniforms, whether literal or metaphorical. It seems to believe that the only thing preventing society from descending into moral and social chaos is the firm hand of authority.
They’ll argue for “national security” and “patriotism,” but don’t be fooled. Scratch the surface, and you’ll find a seething cauldron of authoritarian impulses just waiting for the chance to impose their will on you. They’ll talk about tradition and values, but they mean a return to the days when the only color that mattered was the shade of brown on their boots.
When confronted with such individuals, you must immediately label them as the goose-stepping maniacs they are. Tell them, loudly and repeatedly, that a certain German dictator also loved “law and order.” Draw parallels between their fondness for rules and the Nuremberg Rallies. If they protest that they want a functioning society, accuse them of wanting to strip away all personal freedoms and impose a regime of terror. It’s essential to stay vigilant because even a passing comment about appreciating a well-organized church bake sale could signify that they’re plotting to march us all into a new dark age.
Of course, some dissidents are cleverer than others. They may try to walk the tightrope between communism and fascism, borrowing bits from both ideologies to create a nightmarish hybrid. These are the most dangerous dissenters, for they are the genuine sophists who pretend neither extreme is desirable and a sensible middle ground exists. They speak of things like “democratic socialism” or “liberal democracy” as if such things aren’t just watered-down versions of totalitarianism.
For these cunning chameleons, you must double your efforts. Accuse them of being both a communist and a fascist. Point out that they want to take away your freedom of choice (a communist trait) while simultaneously forcing you to conform to their narrow vision of society (a fascist trait). Emphasize to them that moderation is just another word for indecision and that anyone who can’t decide is an opportunist waiting for the right moment to reveal their true colors.
When every disagreement threatens your way of life, you must remain vigilant. You must identify, isolate, and neutralize any dissenters before they can infect others with their dangerous ideas. Remember, the world is a simple place, divided neatly into us and them, and anyone who disagrees with you is either a communist or a fascist. There’s no need to listen, understand, or compromise. After all, you’ve already decided—why let facts, logic, or reason get in the way?
And so, dear reader, go forth with your newfound wisdom. Whether you’re defending the sacred virtues of capitalism or the sanctity of tradition, be prepared to root out the enemies in your midst. In the end, the world is black and white, and anyone who suggests otherwise is probably plotting a coup.
Or worse—writing satire.
Or worse, writing satire 😂😂 Love it
Richard, your satirical approach brilliantly highlights the absurdity of extreme, polarised thinking. The humour and sharp commentary make it a great read that left me both entertained and thoughtful.