Patsy Cline's "Walkin' After Midnight": A Ballad of Horrifying Life Choices

Grandma Always Said Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

Decca Records, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

On my drive home the other night, I found the classic country channel on Sirius XM satellite radio. Fed up with the never-ending politics and my usual playlists, I wanted Willie, Merle, or Waylon, not Don, JD, and Elon.

Following an ad for beet-based liver supplements, Patsy Cline's "Walkin’ After Midnight" began to play. I adore Patsy. Who doesn't? She could sing the phone book, making you think, "Wow, I never knew 'Pizza Hut on Highway 64' could sound so soulful."

Now, for the bad news: “Walkin’ After Midnight” is one of the sketchiest recordings ever made. “Good, God-fearing folk ought not to be taking this song to heart,” said my Grandmother on her deathbed. (Before she expired, she uttered similar pronouncements against “The Little Drummer Boy” - she hated noisy children and Kenny Rogers - she couldn’t abide gambling.)

Patsy sings about strolling around in the dark after midnight, "searching for you." I’m not an expert on safe nighttime practices, but walking aimlessly after midnight sounds precisely like the advice your parents specifically warned you against, along with not eating yellow snow or investing your life savings in Beanie Babies.

Imagine a modern-day Patsy scenario: she's wandering down dark alleys, peeking behind bushes, knocking on random doors, politely asking if they've seen her significant other, who’s probably at home safely sleeping, like any normal person at midnight. Meanwhile, neighbors are dialing 911, whispering into their phones, "There's someone outside humming softly about 'searching,' and I'm pretty sure it's the ghost of Patsy Cline. Send backup."

Patsy doesn’t stop there. She continues by "walking miles along the highway." No one had briefed Patsy on pedestrian safety rules. Even deer understand the risks of highways after midnight, and deer are animals whose preferred method of road-crossing is to stare directly into your headlights until you honk and wave frantically like an air traffic controller on espresso.

What's Patsy’s reason for her midnight wandering? She claims she’s "hoping you may be somewhere walking after midnight, searching for me." Ah yes, two sleep-deprived souls playing romantic Marco Polo in complete darkness. What could go wrong?

This song could serve as the perfect soundtrack for every poor life choice made after 2 a.m., including stolen traffic cones, regrettable tattoos, and waking up filled with dread alongside an alarming number of Taco Bell wrappers.

Only Patsy could pull this off. If I tried to mimic Patsy’s midnight stroll, the police would find me tangled up in a garden hose, muttering about "searching," with the neighborhood dogs barking frantically. At least Patsy made it sound passionate. I’d sound like a sleepwalker off his meds.

The next time you listen to Patsy sing about her moonlit adventures, don’t try to capture her charming melancholy for yourself, especially after midnight.