There’s this guy, his name’s Beowulf. Sounds mean, right? Well, buckle up! Because this dude is about as tough as they come. He’s like if the Rock, John Cena, and a Viking had a baby, and then that baby ate a bear for breakfast. That’s Beowulf.
Beowulf gets word that over in Denmark, there’s this king, Hrothgar—great name, sounds like a cough medicine—and Hrothgar’s got a problem. It’s not a “my Wi-Fi is slow” problem, but more a “there’s a monster literally eating all my friends” problem. This monster, Grendel—because in the Old English days, everyone had these names that sounded like heavy metal bands—rolls into King Hrothgar’s hall every night like it’s happy hour at an all-you-can-eat buffet. He’s chewing on Danes like they’re hot wings, and it’s harshing everyone’s vibe.
Beowulf, being the hero he is, decides, “Hey, I’m going to go over there and take care of this,” as if it is no big deal. This guy hears “Man-eating monster” and thinks, “That sounds like a fun weekend.” The B man grabs his guys, sails across the sea—because he’s got a yacht—and shows up in Denmark and says, “What’s up? I’m here to solve your monster problem.”
Now, get this: Beowulf decides that to make it fair, he will fight Grendel with no weapons. Just his bare hands. Which is, you know, insane. But it's also awesome. So, he waits in the hall, and when Grendel shows up, Beowulf grabs him as if he’s opening a jar of pickles. They wrestle, and Beowulf rips this guy’s arm off. Pop—there it goes. Grendel runs into the night like, “Ow, ow, ow, this guy is crazy!” and that’s the end of Grendel.
And as in any good infomercial…
Wait—there’s more! Because Grendel’s mom, who’s a cross between a dragon and a helicopter parent, is pissed. She comes out of the swamp, all, “Who hurt my baby?!” and now Beowulf’s got to deal with her. Beowulf says, “Alright, fine, I’ll fight the mom too.” He dives into her underwater lair, where you know the story’s about to get even weirder (anyone living in an underwater lair is usually a James Bond villain or a serial killer). And he kills her with a giant sword that just happens to be lying around—because, you know, why not?
Everyone’s super happy. They’re throwing parties and singing songs about Beowulf, similar to when you finally get the Netflix password at your friend’s house. Beowulf’s a hero at the end of the story, except it’s not the end. You’re thinking: “Can we get some resolution to this never-ending story of death and destruction!”
Fast forward a few years. Beowulf’s now king - because if you rip a monster’s arm off, you’re pretty much guaranteed the job. And then, to quote Gomer Pyle, “surprise, surprise”: there’s a dragon. Why? You can’t have an epic story without a dragon. This dragon’s been napping for a few centuries, and he’s inflamed about some random guy stealing his favorite cup. Which, if I’m being honest, feels like an overreaction. (Do dragons have opposable thumbs to manage holding cups?) But hey, dragons are going to do what dragons will do, right?
Beowulf, now approaching 70 but still jacked, decides, “I’m going to fight this dragon because why not? I’ve fought everything else.” So, he heads out, sword in hand, and he and the dragon have this epic showdown. It’s like the final boss battle of a video game, but with more fire and fewer extra lives.
Beowulf kills the dragon, but—another plot twist—he gets mortally wounded. He’s lying there, dying, and his last thought is probably, “Man, I hope they remember to tell people about the arm thing I did to Grendel back in the day.” His guys are all crying because, you know, he was the GOAT. His people decided to build this massive tower in his honor and forever recognize him as the “arm guy.” This is why we call the army the army today, in recognition of Beowulf’s actions removing Grendel’s arm so long ago. Please don’t quote me on that.
And that’s it. Beowulf’s gone, but his legend lives on. So, the next time someone asks you to rip off a monster’s arm, remember it might make you a king, but his mama will be mad as hell, and you better watch out for the dragon.
That's so funny! I love Beowulf and it was the Seamus Heaney translation that I found most enjoyable too. If anyone ever asks me what Beowulf is about I'm going to send them this. Thanks!
Love this adaptation of Beowulf, I really have to ask if you've an adaptation of the old story you might recommend.