It’s been a little more than 22 years since my Mother passed, finally released from 10 years with that dementia decline demon.
My sister, a nurse and my Father cared for her everyday in her home. A well and a woe for her and family. When she didn’t recognize us I cried- and in this moment of the memory, am tender for hers and our suffering. I believe ( know) she no longer suffers it.
I think of a day not long before she passed, she sat up and started singing.
I think of how we were with her when she died.
I think of my father’s prayer, ‘what do I do now, Lord’
Dementia is so horrible-just visited my dad yesterday who has it, in care home. He still recognises me, thankfully. You write very movingly about this situation, I'm sorry you are having to witness this happening to your mum.
I am sorry you have to go through this, My wife has just started having these signs of dementia/memory loss. It was brought on when she had a course of Chemo & Radiotherapy for cancer the 2nd time. Some days are good others make me weep! To hear a beautiful lady of 77 slowly slip away is hard. Doctors don't seem to help other than saying talk to her! I wish you well.
When my Grammy suffered from Alzheimer’s my dad always said: “this is harder for us, not her” and while maybe that is true, it probably isn’t based on your mothers torment at not knowing who your father is.
I really do feel for you and your family, it is the cruellest way to end our days with, losing the mind then the body is unfair, like a double loss of pain to endure.
I’ll admit I only read so far and had to stop. Our stories are very similar and I had to stop reading because I am scared that this too will be my reality far sooner than I realised.. I’m not ready for it.
I have no doubt this piece is what I could do with reading and is beautifully written. I think at this moment, things are too raw for me.
I hope you are well and managing as best you can. Know I am 100% with you, Richard. And I am so sorry 💙
Hannah, I'm glad you're here. Take this, your path, your journey, at your own pace. Please know you are welcome to the Discourse at any time. We are all on this journey together. Some are at different places than others, but we are there with each other. That's what matters.
I am witnessing my husband's "mild dementia". I've noticed it especially in the last two to three years. At first it was confusing. I didn't know if he just wasn't paying attention, or listening to me. I hope it doesn't lead me to a place that I won't be able to handle emotionally, because I want to help him and get through whatever happens to us together. my younger self worked as a nurse aide in nursing homes for the elderly and met a lot of dementia patients and their families. The families suffered much and they seemed older and weaker in spirit each time I saw them. I remember one in particular. She was so dedicated to her mother! As I deal with being the mind and memory of my husband, I also remember the determination of the people I met in the nursing homes. Stay strong and cut yourself some slack where you can. <3
As always, Jenni, your thoughtful reflections make a significant contribution to the discussions and stories on the Discourse. I'm grateful for your sharing and support.
Richard, you have my deepest sympathies. I went through this hell with my mother during Covid at the height of lockdowns. The one small miracle is that she never forgot who I was.
I can relate to you, Richard. I'm having my first experience with dementia. My sister is two years older than I am, and is 86, living in Connecticut while I live in North Carolina. She has been going through dementia for a couple of years now. She has to have a caretaker with her during the day; when i call her, she doesn't know how to use the phone. Her caretaker answers, hsnfd the phone to her and says, "Say hello." My sister still remembers me and our childhood, but I don't know for how long.. It is very hard to go through this; she's always been my rock and guide. I can just imagine how you feel seeing your mother go through this. I'm not sure I want to be around the day my sister no longer remembers me. At least, a few years ago, she wrote a great book about our dad's mother at the turn of the 20th Century. That book is in the Woodstock, VT Historical Society. and will live forever.. Like your mother, she knows she's losing her memory a little more every day and pretty much lives in a vaccuum. I want to help but don't know how.. You're not alone, Richard, I and many others are traveling this road with you.
Linda, you are a faithful witness, and I appreciate all you bring to this page. You are a storyteller and are committed to ensuring the past stays alive, which makes you acutely aware of what this disease means for families. Thank you for all you bring to the Discourse.
Richard Bryant, sorry to repeat myself: I am with you with all my heart. My father-in-law is in this state (he doesn't know who I am, but still recognizes his daughter), and my mom is getting closer every day, but she's still managing to keep her head above water. Now she is in the hospital due to somatic illnesses.
My brother's mother-in-law died of dementia. His wife cared for her mother through it all, taking her into their home. Toward the end, MIL actually became abusive of my sister-in-love, actually ordering her out of the room they'd made for her in their home. My brother says it was a horrible way to die.
You are courageous and I’m feeling for you. 🫂
It’s been a little more than 22 years since my Mother passed, finally released from 10 years with that dementia decline demon.
My sister, a nurse and my Father cared for her everyday in her home. A well and a woe for her and family. When she didn’t recognize us I cried- and in this moment of the memory, am tender for hers and our suffering. I believe ( know) she no longer suffers it.
I think of a day not long before she passed, she sat up and started singing.
I think of how we were with her when she died.
I think of my father’s prayer, ‘what do I do now, Lord’
I feel her ‘there’ in that cloud
I see her when I look in the mirror.
Karen, thank you for writing. Your memories are vivid, and I appreciate you sharing. It means a great deal to hear from you.
miles away, but with you none the less
It's hard when they recognize they are going.
Yes, Toni, that may be the hardest thing of all.
Oh, Richard, I am so sorry about what happened with your mother. Can't find words. You are so courageous. Take care. I wish you the best.
Larisa, I am grateful for your words of support. I appreciate your presence here. Thank you.
Richard, I am with you. I, myself, at my age, am afraid of that too. Thank you for the appreciation.
Dementia is so horrible-just visited my dad yesterday who has it, in care home. He still recognises me, thankfully. You write very movingly about this situation, I'm sorry you are having to witness this happening to your mum.
Shaz, thank you for your kind thoughts. I wish you strength on your journey with your Dad.
Thank you, Richard and the same for you too…
I am sorry you have to go through this, My wife has just started having these signs of dementia/memory loss. It was brought on when she had a course of Chemo & Radiotherapy for cancer the 2nd time. Some days are good others make me weep! To hear a beautiful lady of 77 slowly slip away is hard. Doctors don't seem to help other than saying talk to her! I wish you well.
Red, thank you so much for sharing your story. We are all on this journey together.
When my Grammy suffered from Alzheimer’s my dad always said: “this is harder for us, not her” and while maybe that is true, it probably isn’t based on your mothers torment at not knowing who your father is.
Sending love and strength.
It’s the combination of both the cancer and the dementia. One is bad. Both? I am grateful you are here.
I am here.
Make sure you’re giving yourself grace if anything is slipping now.
🙏🕯️
I really do feel for you and your family, it is the cruellest way to end our days with, losing the mind then the body is unfair, like a double loss of pain to endure.
Jess, Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate you being apart of my Substack family. It means a great deal to me.
I’ll admit I only read so far and had to stop. Our stories are very similar and I had to stop reading because I am scared that this too will be my reality far sooner than I realised.. I’m not ready for it.
I have no doubt this piece is what I could do with reading and is beautifully written. I think at this moment, things are too raw for me.
I hope you are well and managing as best you can. Know I am 100% with you, Richard. And I am so sorry 💙
Hannah, I'm glad you're here. Take this, your path, your journey, at your own pace. Please know you are welcome to the Discourse at any time. We are all on this journey together. Some are at different places than others, but we are there with each other. That's what matters.
I am so sorry Richard, it’s cruel. Take good care of yourself and your mother. My father went home before he forgot all of us, that was a blessing.
Thank you so much, Geraldine. I appreciate your presence and contributions to my Substack.
I am witnessing my husband's "mild dementia". I've noticed it especially in the last two to three years. At first it was confusing. I didn't know if he just wasn't paying attention, or listening to me. I hope it doesn't lead me to a place that I won't be able to handle emotionally, because I want to help him and get through whatever happens to us together. my younger self worked as a nurse aide in nursing homes for the elderly and met a lot of dementia patients and their families. The families suffered much and they seemed older and weaker in spirit each time I saw them. I remember one in particular. She was so dedicated to her mother! As I deal with being the mind and memory of my husband, I also remember the determination of the people I met in the nursing homes. Stay strong and cut yourself some slack where you can. <3
As always, Jenni, your thoughtful reflections make a significant contribution to the discussions and stories on the Discourse. I'm grateful for your sharing and support.
Thank you for saying that, Richard. I appreciate your work here.
My mother did not know me in the end. She faked it as do many dementia patients. I share your sadness and know the pain of it.
Sometimes I think she is starting to fake knowing me. Thank you for sharing. I really do appreciate it.
Richard, you have my deepest sympathies. I went through this hell with my mother during Covid at the height of lockdowns. The one small miracle is that she never forgot who I was.
Lisa, I know it's tough going, and you've had a tough time, especially with your mom as well. I appreciate your story and being part of this journey.
I can relate to you, Richard. I'm having my first experience with dementia. My sister is two years older than I am, and is 86, living in Connecticut while I live in North Carolina. She has been going through dementia for a couple of years now. She has to have a caretaker with her during the day; when i call her, she doesn't know how to use the phone. Her caretaker answers, hsnfd the phone to her and says, "Say hello." My sister still remembers me and our childhood, but I don't know for how long.. It is very hard to go through this; she's always been my rock and guide. I can just imagine how you feel seeing your mother go through this. I'm not sure I want to be around the day my sister no longer remembers me. At least, a few years ago, she wrote a great book about our dad's mother at the turn of the 20th Century. That book is in the Woodstock, VT Historical Society. and will live forever.. Like your mother, she knows she's losing her memory a little more every day and pretty much lives in a vaccuum. I want to help but don't know how.. You're not alone, Richard, I and many others are traveling this road with you.
Linda, you are a faithful witness, and I appreciate all you bring to this page. You are a storyteller and are committed to ensuring the past stays alive, which makes you acutely aware of what this disease means for families. Thank you for all you bring to the Discourse.
Dammit Rich, this is hard. Best, Mike
Mike, Thank you man, this means so much. I really do appreciate it.
Richard Bryant, sorry to repeat myself: I am with you with all my heart. My father-in-law is in this state (he doesn't know who I am, but still recognizes his daughter), and my mom is getting closer every day, but she's still managing to keep her head above water. Now she is in the hospital due to somatic illnesses.
You know this journey all to well. I thank you for your presence and support. It mean so much. This isn’t easy but we know we’re not alone.
My brother's mother-in-law died of dementia. His wife cared for her mother through it all, taking her into their home. Toward the end, MIL actually became abusive of my sister-in-love, actually ordering her out of the room they'd made for her in their home. My brother says it was a horrible way to die.
We are doing our best. Yes, it feels incredibly cruel.