Socrates: Ancient Greece’s Most Annoying Party Guest

Socrates is that friend who thinks it’s funny to ask questions and never gives you a straight answer. When you’re trying to get lunch, he’s going, “But what is lunch? How do you know you’re hungry? Is hunger even real?”

That’s Socrates.

This guy was born in Athens around 470 BC — which, I’m sorry, sounds fake. If someone told me they were born in 470 BC, I’d say, “Sir, that’s not a birth year. That’s a lottery number.”

But Socrates was real! And Athens back then was basically ancient Greece’s New York City — it was the place to be if you were a dude in a toga who enjoyed thinking about life’s big questions. It was full of people who loved to walk around and act like they knew everything. “Hey, I’m philosophizing here!”

He had one mission in life, and it was to annoy every single person who thought they were brilliant. Imagine Socrates showing up at a dinner party and blowing everyone’s mind with the most basic question, “What is justice?” The guy lived for that kind of moment.

He’s the original “Yeah, but why?” guy. And if you say, “Well, Socrates, I think justice is fairness,” he’s stroking his scraggly beard, going, “Ah, but how do you know what fairness is?”

At this point, everyone else at the dinner party looks at each other, quietly mouthing, “Oh no, he’s doing the thing again.”

Socrates’ big claim to fame is the Socratic Method. It sounds fancy, but it’s just asking questions until the other person gives up and leaves the room. You think you’ll have a normal conversation, but nope, Socrates will spiral you into a total existential crisis.

You’re trying to chat casually with your buddy, and suddenly, Socrates is leaning in with this intense gaze, asking, “What do you mean by ‘good’? Can you define ‘good’?”

And you're thinking, “Uh, I guess… ‘good’ is… being a good person?”

He asks, “What makes a person good? Is it their actions? Their intentions? Can anyone ever truly be good?”

Now you’re sweating. Only moments ago, you were thinking about how you might order pizza, but now you’re in a full-blown panic, reconsidering all your life choices because what is good?

Socrates is that one guy at the party who somehow turns “Let’s order pizza” into a philosophical nightmare. Everyone else is there to have a good time, and Socrates is out ruining the vibe, relentless with the questions - the intellectual equivalent of a toddler hopped up on Mountain Dew.

Except when a toddler does it, it’s cute. When Socrates does it, it’s, “I’m sorry, man, I came here for some bread and olives, not a full breakdown of the concept of justice.”

The Athenians were not fans of Socrates. After a while, his schtick got old. People don’t enjoy being told they’re not as bright as they think. I know, right? Who could have seen that coming?

It didn’t take long for Athens to tire of Socrates strolling around the marketplace, questioning everybody’s life choices. Eventually, they put him on trial for corrupting the youth, which is a pretty great charge! “Corrupting the youth.” I mean, come on! Socrates wasn’t out here with a gang of rebellious teenagers, spray-painting temples. He was asking too many questions! That’s basically the same charge they busted Jesus on! If you’re going to go to jail for something, that’s the one you want.

It’s as if he was that friend who keeps sending you cryptic text messages and memes about the meaning of life, and you finally snap and go, “Listen, Socrates, no one asked!” And then you call a town meeting to have him arrested.

The city bigwigs put Socrates on trial, and he straight-up defended himself. Standing there, looking the jury in the eye, he says, “Yeah, I’m not sorry for anything. You should be thanking me! I’m helping you all realize how much you don’t know!” And the jury says, “Okay, yeah, we’re going to kill this guy.”

They sentenced him to death, and you know what Socrates did. He had flair, telling the court, “Cool. I’d rather die than stop asking questions.”

I mean, that’s commitment.

Imagine being one of the people watching Socrates casually sip hemlock like a mint julep on a hot day, still asking questions until the bitter end: “Does death exist? What is life? Is this hemlock organic?” The man never stopped.

Socrates left us with more questions than answers, which is genius. He’s a movie with an unresolved ending — you’re still thinking about it years later, and you’re mad about it, but also, you kind of love it.

We know so much about Socrates because his student, Plato, wrote everything down. Plato was Socrates’ hype man, ensuring the world never forgot how annoying his mentor was. But also how important he was. You can’t deny it — Socrates shaped philosophy, education, and even modern therapy by insisting on asking hard questions and digging deeper.

Yeah, he’s that friend who won’t stop with the questions, but we need that friend. Because every once in a while, they make you think about stuff you’d never even consider. You might want to throw a breadstick at them, but you will leave the party thinking, “Huh, maybe I don’t know what justice is.”